Death was upon Me

I was 28 years old when I was diagnosd with hypertension and type II diabetes. My world came crashing before my eyes because I was overthinking. What if I'll die early? I'm still very young to leave this world behind. I haven't fulfilled my promises yet to my mother. To have a good life, to let her experience the good things in life. There are thousands of questions running down my mind at that very moment. But I wasn't thinking of giving up and will never give up. These are just diseases that will only slow me down achieving my dreams and goals in life. So, I gathered myself together and encouraged myself to move on. I should be thinking of things that will boost my immune system and definitely will keep my body healthy. It wasn't easy, to be honest. Why? It's because I was working in a call center and I have to work during the evening. I was on graveyard shift and I was really struggling sleeping after shift. Imagine... sleeping during the day when everyone are wide awake and the sun is shining upon you. So, i have to improvised by covering my windows with dark and thick curtains in order for me to sleep easier. While sleeping, I played relaxing music on spotify or youtube. If I'll get lucky, I was able to sleep like 3-6 hours. But there are times that I can't really sleep at all. My body was really tired yet my mind was awake. Writing this blog is really hard because I haven't shared this experience before. Not to my close friends, co-workers and not especially to my mother. Telling my mom my pain, failures or heartachhes will only worsen the situation becase she's really sensitive and emotional. She probably love me so dearly since she'll get sad when I am not feeling well. So, I have to wear a mask pretending that I am happy and okay to avoid long and emotional conversation with her. Trust issues at that time was really sky rocketing. Sharing my thoughts and feelings to anyone is not a good idea. In short, I was really paranoid that if I'll tell them about me then they'll be talking behind my back. I thought that they might be thinking that I was just crying out for attention. And aside from that, my friends must be tired of me. When you first become ill, they will show you sympathy. They'll send you food and messages hoping that you "get well soon". They're gonna check on you from time to time and see how are you doing. They'll cut you slack. They'll be underdstanding when you have trouble keeping up. But once your illness becomes a chronic condition, they wonder why you can't get better. They'll show impatience and frustration. They stop trying to include you in in plans. You will be missing the usual gatherings like dinner dates, pizza parties, out of town activities and etc. They'll ask why you aren't "trying harder". They just don't get it. People just want you to be abled again so that you're not an "inconvenient" to them. There are also other people who will totally communicating because you are not useful to them anymore. You see? I used to be everybody's favorite person because I was always there for them to lean on. Being an adviser in any trouble they had and also a somewhat like a "bank" who can lend them money in times of financial constraints. People get tired of you being sick, but they don't stop thinking that you're probably fucking tired of being sick too. They don't take the time to think about how you'd love to "just get over it". They don't care enough to realize that you didn't choose the situation that you're in.